Teen MOGLI’s First Time. NOT

I dropped by the corridor’s common kitchen to fix myself some tea when I found her unceremoniously cutting a large grapefruit in two. It would be her dinner, she shyly confessed. “No wonder about the killer figure,” with the pout of my lips pointed at her midsection. I noticed her fair cheeks turned rosy.

What a cutie! How easy it is to flatter girls, I thought. Most especially this blonde girl from Budapest whom I was sure was not used to a brown man’s flirtations. Sensing her falling into it, I continued with my barrage of flattering lines.

Suddenly, a lá Twilight Zone episode, I found myself in her room sitting on her bedside while munching on some chocolates she brought from her hometown. I thought of asking her about how to pronounce the brand of the sweets, written in some strange-looking vowels. However, my mind was busy thinking of more smart lines to sweep her off her feet.

I was still staring at the chocolate box when it occurred to me.

“Can you teach me how to say, ‘I love you’, in your language?”
“What for?” she hesitatingly asked.
“Well, just to expand my vocabulary for the word, you know,” saying it with a stupid grin on my face. “I already know how to say it in Italian, French, German, Spanish, Japanese, and even in Zulu, Bulgarian and Czech, so it would be nice to say it in Magyar.”

“Oh, really now? Ok, it’s széretlek.”
“Aah, chereklek.”
“No, szé-ret-lek. Szé-ret-lek.”
“Isn’t that what I was saying? Che-rek-lek.”

She tried not to laugh but couldn’t help it. Oh, god, I love her Meg Ryan giggles. I knew she was enjoying every bit and so I just continued with my act, despite realizing that I probably sounded like a Hungarian retard repetitively saying, “Che-rek-lek!”

“Oh, you are so cute…like a sweet little Hungarian boy! Ok, look at me, it’s like you should put your tongue like this, and …”

And so I did.

I leaned toward her and in one solemn breath whispered to her ear, “Széretlek, Louise.”

Silence.

She was stunned. And so was I. “Carpe diem!” was echoing in my head. “Seize the moment, gaddemit!” reminding me of an infantry sergeant during my reserve officer’s training course in the old days.

And so I held her chin, fixed my abysmal dark eyes into her deep-blue ones, slowly brought my mouth to hers, and caressed her soft, succulent lips with the tip of my tongue. My hands moved as if they got minds of their own, exploring places, unlatching every button and unhooking every hook. And before my eyes was Venus in all her mortal glory!

“Oh, my sweet Lord! This is my night. What good have I done in my past life to relish this beautiful creature you brought into this world? Forgive me, for I know what I’m going to do.”

The act was about to be consummated when she casually asked if I have condoms with me.

“Of course, I’ll just fetch a dozen from my room!” and gave her the dirtiest wink in the entire universe. So I put on my jeans and shirt, and hastily left. But of course, I lied! I didn’t have condoms in my room. In fact, I never had one.

I found myself again in a twilight zone fashion running to the nearest Pressbyrån, in the dead of a chilly winter night. It took me ten minutes to get back to Louise, although it normally takes at least half an hour in a non-emergency situation.

To my heart-breaking surprise, Louise was already dressed up. “I am so sorry. I think I want to know you better, you know. We should probably wait.”

Oh no! My whole world shattered. My disappointment at that very moment was larger than all my disappointments on all flunked exams combined in my entire school life.

“Oh, ok. No worries. I also think we should slow down a bit.” I was lying to my teeth and I felt Mother Earth beneath me was going to open up anytime soon and swallow me whole if I didn’t shut my mouth.

And so, with my right hand clutching the prophylactics in my pocket, I headed towards the door and once again, left in haste.

That night, alone in my bed, I watched my eager haploids flooded my chest. I took pity on them for they would never feel how it was to be in that warm, happy place they were supposed to be unleashed.

“You guys almost did it. You were close to being pioneers. I salute you!” and wiped them off with a handful of Kleenex.